I am going "home" this weekend. This may be the last time I see my grandpa. He is so ill, his body is covered in tumors from his bone cancer, and his legs constantly shake from the cancer in his blood destroying his nerves. I am so tired of losing the good ones. On my mom's side. It's getting so exhausting to say goodbye.

I want to get very drunk and just forget.

I am so behind in my independent study. I am going to talk to my professor tomorrow, and hope we can work something out so I can get this credit and still graduate. I need to be done, and I need to get A's. :sigh: I hope he remains as nice as he's been about everything.

My dad is doing better, so I'm happy about this. I cannot lose him. If I do, it will truly be just my brother in my life. I still love my cousins and uncle, but sometimes their lifestyle choices are so irritating. I don't know what that has to do with anything, just feeling lonely.

I can't concentrate. I can't get anything done. Sometimes I read, but the only time I can really let go is while taking Otis on walks, hikes, dog park trips. Having him around has made life a little easier right now. His fearfulness makes me want to be brave for him, and that's what I need right now.

I can't remember the last time I felt so helpless, anxious, and tired constantly.

I miss my mom. I miss my grandma. I hope they can help him get through this, and be somewhere waiting for him to make everything ok. I need that to be true.

That lovely boy in my profile pic was, is, and always will be my first true love.

No, not "IN LOVE" love, but the first dog that completely stole my heart. Sure, we had several before him. In fact, I got a puppy for my 2nd birthday, and his name was Teddy. However, he was kept outside 99% of the time. The only way he was allowed in the house was during bad storms and blizzards. This may be the reason I have always loved "bad" weather...

After Teddy died (and yes, I adored him), we got Harley shortly after. My heart was broken, but my mom wanted us to wait. However, my grandpa never listened to my mom (fortunately), and called her halfway to our house, saying he found a puppy on his truck route. Well, he didn't actually find him, but he had a friend who had a dog who just had a litter of pups. Harley was one of those pups.

Right before he showed up, my mom made me promise we wouldn't make any decisions without truly talking about this and making sure everyone wanted the dog equally. I agreed. My fingers may have been crossed.

When Harley showed up, he was incredibly frightened. My grandpa had brought him in his semi truck, and this little puppy was crawling all over the place, including under my grandpa's feet. He may have been kicked...poor guy.
I took one look at him, and I knew he wasn't going anywhere. This was my dog, and we were keeping him. My mom also fell in love. My brother was indifferent, and was kind of looking for a BIG dog this time around. He lost.

Harley was this comical, sandy-colored bundle of love. Part cocker spaniel and part golden retriever, he was the most wonderful mixture of party animal and total snuggler. He gnawed on my hair, and chewed on anything resembling wood, but he was sooooo smart. We housetrained him in 3 days, and taught him all the basics in less than a few months.

While we were making sure he didn't chew up the house, he was crated at night. I used to pick up his enormous metal crate, and set it on my bed next to me, with two fingers in his crate so he knew he wasn't alone. After that, he slept with me almost every night (except for the occasional snuggle with my mom). When he got older and snored so loudly, it sounded like crocodiles were in the house, I didn't kick him out of the room. Instead, I put my headphones on and dozed off despite his nasal issues. He was my best friend, and I refused to allow his age to make him less than that.

He loved my mom and me equally. We were his favorites, and no matter who trimmed his nails, or made him take a pill, he always had the other to run to. He always had one to favor while the other got the cold shoulder for a few hours.

After my mom died, he clung to me even more than before. I was unofficially his new mom, and while we were both heartbroken, I was honored to take the position. I was the groomer as well as the comforter afterwards.

When I moved out to attend NIU, Harley deteriorated rapidly. His eyes became lazy, and he hardly moved. I noticed, and I feared this was the end. However, I moved back home and became a commuter, and all was well in the world. His eyes were still hazy from cataracts, but he got the hop in his step back, and he even rough housed from time to time.

By the time I moved out permanently, he was better, more accustomed to my dad's way of loving him, and even became fond of the new woman in my dad's life. I felt better leaving him, and that was that.

Harley is 15 yrs. old. He is old, slow, and pretty much blind. However, he loves to love, and he's so good at it. I think about him everyday, and I owe all of my dog love to this little guy :o) He was there through several heartbreaks, my grandma's passing, my mom's passing, when my dad started dating, and he is still there, waiting for me whenever I come home. He has had a beautiful life, and a little part of my heart will disappear with his passing. He is irreplaceable.









That's my "Harley" blog. He is the reason I have such a passion for dogs, as I know how emotional, intelligent, and wonderful they are. I have always been bonded to animals, but he brought it out a little more.