So, what to say? Life is getting harder. :sigh: I'm such a whiner.

I went to my grandfather's funeral on Monday. It was really hard for me. I did not look in the casket, and the super Catholic service made me weary and anxious. Honestly, the things they say...totally scary. I never find comfort in funerals. The only nice moment was when my grandpa's friend and neighbor went up and spoke from his heart. Honestly, more services should have these heartfelt moments, and less "death is inevitable. Death is frightening" garbage. Makes me so sad. While I still consider myself a spiritual person, I am not a fan of rituals like these.

I was sitting there, half-listening to the priest and half-trying to calm my nerves, and once in awhile, I felt relaxed, waiting for the end to come. Then the drive to the cemetery came. My grandpa was being buried right next to my mom and grandma. Ugh. I lost it. Then, I lost it even more when my brother lost it.

Spent.

I haven't actually had a good cry about this loss. I don't even know how to let myself feel all of this again. I am so tired of losing the good ones.

I really don't know where I'm going with this, but I felt the need to write. I think I'll pick up with this another time.

Let me start this with a few positive moments as I have a tendency to be a little "down" lately.

First, I am sitting alone on a Sunday night with a hot mug of "European" hot chocolate (I think the European just means it 's super amazing and a deep chocolate flavor). On my left lies the amazing new book by Mr. Foer, "Eating Animals." I have been vegetarian since the age of 11 and vegan on and off since 14, but this book is so incredibly well-written and colorful, I can't help but re-learn everything I already know and then some. I highly recommend it. I thought I would have finished it by now, but I had some setbacks. Oh wait...first, another good moment...

I want to make love to this dress so badly:

It's so amazingly casual yet sophisticated, and I love it. Looooooooove it! I have decided that I will be wearing dresses daily, and whatever career I choose, this will be totally acceptable and admirable :o)

Speaking of "career", it's all downhill from here. Just a polite warning. :cough:

I had an interview with Borders for a seasonal position in inventory. I was excited, and felt pretty good about it. They offered me a different job, one on the sales floor. At first, I was elated. Then, I was left alone this weekend with my own thoughts while Alex went into the city to conquer the world (Ok, he had a Model UN conference, but you know what I mean).

I started thinking about the fact that I will be a college graduate in less than a month (!!!!). I realized how long it's taken me to get here, and now it's here. Granted, I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth, but I'm confident I will make it through the last few weeks. Then I started thinking about the nature of me.

I cannot take this job. If I take this job, I will be stuck. I'm so terrified of being stuck. I'm also terrified of working overtime hours during my last few weeks as, like I've said before, I'm hanging on by my teeth. I cannot do this for my own good and for the good of my future. I will get comfortable and I will be manager of the Oak Brook Borders...guess what? That's not what I want.

What do I want? No idea. I know I want a job that allows me to be creative as well as use my brain quite a lot. A lot.

I have no idea where I'm going with this, but I didn't take the job. I am probably stupid for doing this, but I can't do it. I just can't.

Maybe I'm being dramatic, but I need to do this for myself. I need to start really looking for a job that will take me in one of the directions I truly want to do. I am an adult, I am (almost) a college graduate, and I want more for myself.

:sigh:

Blah.


P.S. Yes, I had a breakdown this weekend. No, I'm not completely ok. I'm just finding my footing. Again.

I am going "home" this weekend. This may be the last time I see my grandpa. He is so ill, his body is covered in tumors from his bone cancer, and his legs constantly shake from the cancer in his blood destroying his nerves. I am so tired of losing the good ones. On my mom's side. It's getting so exhausting to say goodbye.

I want to get very drunk and just forget.

I am so behind in my independent study. I am going to talk to my professor tomorrow, and hope we can work something out so I can get this credit and still graduate. I need to be done, and I need to get A's. :sigh: I hope he remains as nice as he's been about everything.

My dad is doing better, so I'm happy about this. I cannot lose him. If I do, it will truly be just my brother in my life. I still love my cousins and uncle, but sometimes their lifestyle choices are so irritating. I don't know what that has to do with anything, just feeling lonely.

I can't concentrate. I can't get anything done. Sometimes I read, but the only time I can really let go is while taking Otis on walks, hikes, dog park trips. Having him around has made life a little easier right now. His fearfulness makes me want to be brave for him, and that's what I need right now.

I can't remember the last time I felt so helpless, anxious, and tired constantly.

I miss my mom. I miss my grandma. I hope they can help him get through this, and be somewhere waiting for him to make everything ok. I need that to be true.